Processing

As you can tell from recent posts we are very much nearing a year since implosion/explosion/lift-off to my next life.

The permission to call the tdh I knew 'dead' has remained the healthiest choice for me, but the grieving process has interesting twists to it. For instance, I can grieve the loss of the tdh I knew (or thought I knew) but would you hear through the grapevine that your deceased loved one is now officially engaged? No. I don't think so.

There are a variety of hurts and still more to come, I'm sure. The words from countless funerals sometimes echo in my ears: "We grieve because we are separated from a loved one and separation hurts."

I find it really hurts not during the angry times (see above engagement reference) or the lonely times, but during the memory times. When you have kids especially there are these serendipitous moments that cannot be planned, repeated or captured. Last night, The Boy and I came home at early dusk from a food festival and then planted the last two tomato plants. As I was cleaning up he saw - and gently captured - his first lightning bug. The amazement and laughter and glee and joy and showing it to the dog and bringing it in to show the cat were just awesome. And I found myself saying quietly, "dammit tdh, you're missing this." And the fact that he is missing it because of the choices he made takes the frustration to a whole new level.

In an earlier post I called myself a fool for caring so much about him and choosing to ignore the signs of his bad choices that were all around me. You all were gracious to support me and remind me that choosing to honor my vows and commitment does not a fool make. Maybe I was foolish, but choosing to turn your back on ten years of marriage, walking away from the one person who had your back no matter what, missing memories both big and small with your child who you once thought might never come to be... now that's a fool.