Friday, May 09, 2008

Still Better

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the time with my Presbytery's uber-committee. We have a good committee and a pretty good Presbytery and a great EP. As great as he is and as supportive as he is, he is still the EP and the one church's will go to for recommendations so there came a time when he would ask me how I was doing and I would respond a tad (or a lot) more positively than I really was.

Also, in our brief conversations I always got the sense that he wanted me better already and frankly since he was in parish ministry - and successful at it - this suprised me. I am not sure if it is because he was not putting divorce/betrayal on the emotional stress level it is or if he has just not gone through a Loss Valley himself and realized how long it takes. My guess is the former - I certainly didn't give divorce/betrayal enough respect until someone whose own husband died gave me permission to grieve it as if tdh had died. And really, the tdh I knew (or thought I knew) did died. Now I just have to live with his idiot ghost.

Anyway... as I continue to ramble (sorry) yesterday EP sat next to me through the meeting and afterwards he asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am better now than I have been in years."

He grinned huge and said, "It shows" and we moved on to other things.

"Better now than I have been in years."
I didn't plan on saying that. I really hadn't thought about it that way and yet there it was . Almost like my soul blurted it out.

In a way it is a little embarrassing to realize that I wasn't as good as I thought I was. My marriage was not as good as I thought it was. My choice in life partner was not as good as I thought it was.

But in the end I am okay with that because my friendships are deeper than they were. My faith is stronger than it was. And there are things I am doing better now than I ever was.

Truly, I am better now than I have been in years.

21 comments:

more cows than people said...

well, thanks be to God.

and it saddens me that you had the sense your e.p. may have be rushing along your healing. i'm glad you feel you have a good relationship with him and that you respect him.

Songbird said...

Amen.

cheesehead said...

You continue to amaze me.

(((ws)))

esperanza said...

Thanks be to God.

And I have to laugh at "now I just have to live with his idiot ghost."

So, so very glad to read this.

will smama said...

My ep's support and hands-on guidance with my Clerk, the Session and the congregation far out-weigh what I think was just a 'guy' instinct to want me better... yesterday.

Sometimes I am not the most pastoral with my friends either.

mid-life rookie said...

How often do we let our discomfort with the pain of someone we care about lead us to rush them in healing? I'm so so glad you were able to utter the words "better than I have been in years." Smiling as I think of you. Hug the boy for me since I live vicariously through your boy reports. Mine started driving last week and doesn't do hugs so much any more.

more cows than people said...

good. good. good. i'm so glad you have a faithful, compassionate, helpful e.p.

and that you can be honest with him.

and still, my basic response is "thanks be to God."

Kathryn said...

Mine too....in fact, I might go and sing a happy song about it while walking the dog. It's OK...the Atlantic is wide enough to protect you from embarassment.
Happy hugs xxx

God_Guurrlll said...

Thanks be to God!

DogBlogger said...

(((ws)))

Gracebythesea said...

You go on wid yo bad self!

Towanda said...

And Amen.

zorra said...

Yay!! I just have to hug you for that.

((ws))

Let's dance!

RevDrKate said...

Cool. Very, very cool.

Lorna said...

Hallelujah- tonic to my soul to read this :O)

Mary Beth said...

Most excellent.

St. Casserole said...

you are an amazing woman. ask me anytime anywhere and I'll tell you again: you are an amazing woman!

Sue said...

Thanks be to God!

ElastiGirl said...

love the "idiot ghost" vision...
]*WS

Magdalene6127 said...

This gave me an enormous, enormous grin. I am so happy for you... Blessings, continued joy and healing.

Mags

hip2B said...

Happy for you.