Really it started in the summer of 1999. That is when I had my accident and my finger had to be amputated by a surgeon after I had done 98% of the job myself with the unfortunate combination of a screw sticking out of the back of portable basketball hoop pole and my wedding rings. (Yes... foreshadowing... I get it.)
I was stunned by the amount of 'comforting' phone calls and cards and face-to-faces from people reassuring me that God must have a plan or be testing me. This stunned me. A lot of us have children - would we EVER test them or teach them a lesson by purposefully causing bodily harm? HELL NO!
In counseling I constantly remarked on how this was accident was not caused by God. Sure, God could use it for good, but God did not do this to me. The counselor eventually told me to stop protecting God - apparantly God can handle bad theology... it's the killing and greed that pisses Her off.
In November of 2003 our daughter left this earthly kingdom before we even got to meet her. I started to think seriously of a tattoo - but what? I thought of our child's initials or maybe her nickname in Chinese, but then if we had other children would I need to have their names tattooed on as well? I began to think about the inner strength that we have that is fueled by our faith. The combination of still struggling with exactly what to get and TDH's absolute disgust at the idea of it always put it out of reach.
But I never stopped thinking about it.
Now we are in August of 2007 and I am once again weathering a humongous personal storm. And once again I find myself reaching deep down for inner strength. And yet this is not an inner strength with its foundation in me. I am merely human. This is an inner strength deeply rooted in the knowledge that God is emphatically, over-the-top, passionately, profoundly in love with me. I am God's creation and anything I am able to do/accomplish/achieve and yes even survive in this earthly kingdom is because I am a beloved child of God in EVERY sense of the word.
And that word is 'hesed'.
This is what my tattoo shall say and it shall be in the color of the ocean when I like it the best - in the fall and slightly stirred up. No 'surf's up' blues for me. I am looking for New England ocean in September blue.
And so 8 years after I first thought it over, it is now time to get that tattoo. The date is September 28th, a day I have already requested off as one of my quarterly spiritual days. That's right, it's a spiritual day. And as we have noted in other posts it is self care... and I'm ready.